I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
