The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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