I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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