got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
