Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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