nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
