I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
