I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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