Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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