Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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