I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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