There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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