she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
