The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
