i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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