Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
