twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
