morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
