You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize