she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book