he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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