He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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