She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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