Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My ass is underappreciated
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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