He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
