her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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