I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
