I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
