Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
