I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
