only you would photoshop your dick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
