Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
