the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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