paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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