I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where