You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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