Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
