So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
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What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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