this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
