zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
