He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
