Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
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Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor