I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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