My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
