ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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