This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
