its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Acid is not a monday night drug
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
