Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
