hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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