I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
