I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
