I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
